There is a lot going on in New York. An influx of illegal immigrants is straining the capital city. Only 30 percent of residents are happy with the quality of life the Big Apple currently affords them. Donald Trump held a rally at Madison Square Garden, which for some reason reminded people that the venue previously hosted Adolf Hitler as well as some WNBA games. Finally, a man and his wife in a rural part of the state had the temerity to adopt and raise an orphaned squirrel.
Naturally, that last one is what really got the bureaucrats fired up, going to judges and agency heads to warn that the state is headed toward a disaster of biblical proportions. As such, they did what responsible bureaucrats do, namely raiding the home of Mark and Daniela Longo, seizing Peanut the squirrel, as well as Fred the raccoon, and then murdering the adorable critters.
While the response to this insanely ridiculous sequence of events has been swift and brutal toward the New York Department of Environmental Conservation, the outrage will not bring back little Peanut or medium-sized Fred. Their flames have forever been extinguished. In a just world, the perpetrators of this offense would lose their livelihoods and reputations before being sent to live in the wilderness with nothing but the hope that the woodland creatures would take them in and care for them. Alas, they’re union members, so at most they’ll get a short paid leave from work.
Instead then, let
